Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a wonderful holiday, Well, unless you have lost a mother, or you are a mother who has lost a child, or even a woman who desperately wants a child but is unable to have one. Then, Mother's Day turns into a day where you are extra aware of that loss or situation. Acutely aware. The day becomes conflicting and confusing.

While I am so grateful for my children and the joy and fun they bring into my life, it is difficult to fully enjoy Mother's Day minus my mom.

I love the sentiment of savoring motherhood and celebrating mothers. I think it should happen more than one day a year. For example, breakfast in bed, chocolates, and cards are nice, but face it, they fall a bit short in the payment department for someone who daily changes diapers, makes meals, does laundry, drives kids hither and yon, buys the toys and then cleans them up a million times, and so and so forth. I think that kind of love deserves a hug, kiss, "I love you" and "thank you" sincerely given far more frequently.

I worry often that I will die before my children are grown. That fear is based on losing my own mom far too soon, and the knowledge that her dad died in his 50s. It often seems like I am genetically designed to take myself out too soon. I deal with anger that my mom is not here. I remind myself that her body gave her no choice. Then I feel guilty for feeling angry.

This Mother's Day has been extra hard, because a lot of painful memories have been reawakened. A guy that Ben grew up with lost his wife suddenly last week to the flu. It came on quickly and she was gone within a few days. She left behind a nine year old, six year old and a four year old. All, right before Mother's Day. My thoughts and prayers are with their family. I think of Maddie who will be nine this year, and Andrew and Zack who are six and four right now, and it hurts so much to know how hard it would be to be gone from them and miss out on every special moment from here on out.

I remember watching my mom's casket close and realizing that was the last time I would look at her, not a picture of her, but really her for the rest of my life. Of course, with her spirit gone, it didn't really seem like her when I looked at her. I remember watching Josh struggle with the concept and finality of death. He was still in elementary school and primary when mom died. When I realize that he has almost lived as many years with her gone as he lived with her alive, it makes me sick to my stomach. When he says he has hardly any memories of her, I want to throw up.

One of my very best friends lost her daughter a few months ago. I wonder if she feels stung on Mother's Day. I can't even imagine losing a child. I think about it a lot. It's hard not to with so many stories of tragedies involving children that are in the news today.

Children, appreciate your Mothers. Mothers, appreciate your children. Our time together may not be as long as we hope.

This Mother's Day, I find myself wondering what my children will remember most about me? Am I doing enough to show them how much I love them? Do I spend too much time yelling at them? I am certain I spend too much time cleaning up after them!

Andrew and Zack have been almost giddy with anticipation for Mother's Day and the idea of making me breakfast in bed. They have been talking about it all week. This morning I was treated to pancakes and diet coke. They obviously love me. I requested a package of Lindt milk chocolate and some Toblerone. I really am not much of a chocolate fanatic, but my mom was and those two "special" kinds of chocolate make me think of her. We would often get Lindt milk chocolate bars in our Christmas stockings and I have many memories of my mom buying herself a Toblerone bar while checking out at Magruder's grocery store.

All four of my kids have been downing that chocolate like they had a mother who didn't buy chocolate very often. Which is exactly the kind of mother that they have.

I am looking forward to having my kids sing Mother's Day songs to me at church today. I think that is my favorite thing that happens on Mother's Day. Especially when the kids wave to me and smile.

I am grateful that I had such a great example and wonderful Mom. I miss her to the point that I occasionally wonder if this is what it feels like to go insane.

I am grateful for my four children who bring me so many tears of frustration and tears of joy. My blog is a testament of my devotion to them. They have all given me ample reasons and opportunities to wring their little necks, and yet we all still coexist.

I am grateful for my Dad and my Mother-in-law who have both been thrown into the role of makeshift mom for me. I am grateful for my sisters who all still kept going after mom died, who reminded me through their examples that it is still possible to continue on and to enjoy our children and be good moms.

I think of lots of people who I know who are missing their moms today, just like I am. We had good moms, didn't we?

Happy Mothers Day.